I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
organizing the empties. That sober.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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