Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
