Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Just pee around me
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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