So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
