oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
