Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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