Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
