i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
