We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
