I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
