I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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