I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
