the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
