Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
