saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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