I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
