Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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