what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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