My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
