i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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