why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
