I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
