she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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