got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
