I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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