apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
