Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
