I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
