My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
