why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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