Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
