apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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