I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
