i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
