He asked me if I "almost moaned"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
