Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
