I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
