You're so nebulous sometimes
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
