I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
