So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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