Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
