If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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