Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
