Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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