she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
