My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
