I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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