and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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