When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
