So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
