so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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