3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
