I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
